haggle | SALTBURNT AU INBOX.

i forgot how much you love my sloppy seconds
if you spit diamonds i want 10% commission as your agent
whore union rules

( not, shockingly, bitter. a plot twist on the role of ex-wife, if she ever really was a wife to him at all. her marriage to fp was her first box office bomb — there's probably more happiness to be found in the back of koby's throat than the whole damn charade of romance they'd acted out. )

bounce on it til your back breaks babe
i don't give a shit
just let him know i fuck better when you're done with him
embry's got this fantasy in his head that he gives better head than i do

i want that playing as my soundtrack every time i walk into a room btw
just don't get pissy when i tell you who my date is
reminder: i'm letting you get dicked down by my ex, don't be an ungrateful slut 💋

you say sloppy seconds i say peer-reviewed dick i’ll give u 15% cause u called me pretty that one time 😘😘😘

[it could’ve been bad – koby’s ass on fp’s phone, his mouth where ani’s used to be, a downgrade, a compromise, cheaper and easier and less valuable, the gucci knock-off of an easy fuck. but it hadn’t been, and koby’s too afraid (secretly, shamefully, desperately) of losing one of the few people he trusts to ask why.]

i mean he gets me after the newlyweds do so might just tell him to lick them outta me if he wants to hit so bad but i’ll give u a shout-out babe, dw 😇 wait who who who who????? not the cat guy with the mustache right or the cat is it the cat? 🤔

aw thanks sugar
i AM a scholar of cock studies 🎓

you should have been my wedding gift tbh lol
your ass's got more healing power than jesus and therapy combined

henry????
baby if i give him a taste of this pussy again he's gonna propose (AGAIN)
you remember danny

you're a goddamn phd, babe 😘😘😘 if u say "not worth it" i definitely only let them hit like twice you say the nicest things!!! idk it was fun weird but fun doing that shit for free whatEVER what kinda guy is named "henry" 🙄🙄🙄 oh yeah i remember danny 😏

you're so obsessed with what my pussy touches 😩😩
i don’t waste rides on dick that ain't worth it and that's fact, babe

yeah???
just don't let it fool you into thinking marriage's some kinda fun game
hell no, not worth the mess

it's the name of a guy who's two orgasms away from buying me a house
don't worry i'm not sleeping with him
yeah i bet you do
gonna give the room a reason to remember him too

it's called having taste 💅 besides then i know they're like [safe] worth it. oh yeah shanks was always sweet, even when he was engaged to that pretty girl the blonde one but two of them oh my godddddd 😩😩😩 don't you worry tho i'll stay living in sin til i die~~~~ houses mean commitment. first it's a house and then it's "honey who's this guy in your dms" and then it's "why don't you look at me when we fuck anymore". omg you bad GIRL are you gonna get stuck in the washer or something, stepmommy?

it's just the rest of them that isn't worth it lol
for most of em, anyway

( not naming names of one man who was always the exception to the rule, on threat of death. )

babe you know how little that narrows it down
buffy??? she's cute
didn't think she was shanks type

ok what if it's a penthouse
what do penthouses mean
oh my GOD fuck off with that
i'm gonna send fp into cardiac and piss embry off into early retirement that's what i'm gonna do

[ah, but he's there; he's a ghost in ani's eyes when she gets a little drunk, when a good song comes on, when she texts stupid memes and shit at 3am and koby knows immediately it's because she can't sleep.]

hit it and quit it, sweetie learned that from the best 😘 NO no no lmfao no greer, i think? she's smart idk i never met her i was too busy fucking her fiance. yeah she's not. it was a whole beard thing he's married now tho 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ penthouses mean anal exclusively. that's in the bible. god damn right u are do you think i'll lose my passport if i point and laugh at a government official?

koby you're the closest i'll ever come to a legacy

damn. guess you put her man's loyalty through the paces for her
she know? cause if you did that shit to me before the divorce papers were dry i would've helped you pick your funeral outfit
then pushed you off a balcony. with love, babe 💕

write that into my next vows. penthouses mean anal. love is real, lube is kind
if the government official is embry "stick up his ass" moore??? yeah
don't worry honey i'll steal it back for you

you're written into my memoirs already bitch taught me everything i know xoxo uhhhhhhhh i think he probably mentioned it? she knew he was gay. like super gay. so it was different. like if i'd fucked around with fp before you guys were officially exes, balcony murder would be totally valid.

[fucking around with danny is different, actually.]

i'll write it in my diary for you 😘😘😘 damn. it'll be worth it, i guess. i could just stay here until alvida drags me back.

send me the adoption papers already dude
koby mikheeva is a star's name

lol you would've been doing me a favor tbh
my homewrecking hero
fp's dick is the only thing that kept that marriage alive

stay forever
i bet i could take alvida's puny ass

Edited 2025-06-08 03:30 (UTC)

we're literally the same age, babe yeah, a real specific kinda star iykwim 😏😏😏 god don't i know it think he realigned my chakras or something last time 😩😩😩 put a pin in that tho if u ever need a homewrecker i'm ur man

[a bolt of panic like metal in his mouth, pennies on his tongue, at the idea of alvida anywhere near anyone he gives a shit about.]

fuck yeah you could you're a goddamn beast, sweetie but i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy lmfao

you're literally a baby, dude
i'm a mature woman with two and a half ex-husbands and two kids i disappoint daily

now you sound like jennie
enlightenment through dick
too bad i'm real good at wrecking my homes on my own

yeah so?
i wouldn’t wish fp's emotional damage on my worst fuckin enemy and you're still sucking him off
so idk maybe you like recreational brain damage or whatever?
tell her i'm filing for custody 💋
i've been good lately. judges eat that shit up

i'm so grown i'm like world weary jaded by life and shit i could've been married like 15 times in ur defense your ex-kids are assholes, so ❤️ that's feminism anicakes you can fuck your own shit up, it's the new millennium but like if u needed an out i gotchu ok? he's easy. i like easy. i like sucking someone off and not thinking about how much i gotta charge them at the end, i guess. ok i'll write her a dear john letter or like dear not-mom fuck u very much xoxo and yeah, you're practically jackie kennedy, babes.

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